Thursday, February 25, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Life, god and other easy-going topics...long post
I want to start out by saying that I realize this blog isn't really for super heavy stuff, but I hope you don't mind me using it as a stepping stone in bravery. I appreciate so greatly the venue this blog is providing me right now. Thank you friends for letting me air all my stuff here. It seems kinda weird doing this in a blog, but what I'm going to do, call a meeting to discuss it? I want you ladies to know me and know me well. I want to know you well! I'm writing you this evening to come out to you in a way. I've got some stuff that I need to get off my chest and I'm treating this as a trial run before I tell my Dad and family the very same thing. By the way, this is going to be a long ass post and may get pretty boring, so don't feel obligated to read it :)
I've recently come to terms with my core beliefs and now I feel a responsibility to be honest with myself at all times and with anyone I respect. I am an atheist.
I can't tell you how strange or difficult my decision to be honest with myself and say those words--I'm an atheist--has been. At the same time, I feel so free from the oppression I've felt. In fact, I didn't realize how oppressed I was by religion and the fear of a god I could not feel or prove existed. Within the last year I've started to look at myself and what makes me happy...what doesn't make me happy, etc and have introspected so thoroughly. My realization has come in baby steps. At first I was able to say that I wasn't Christian, but did believe in god. Then, I was able to say that I didn't know what the real truth was and didn't think anyone really did. Then, I could say that I didn't believe in god...but never have I imagined I could assertively say that I am an atheist. There are reasons why I've felt so inhibited and afraid to explore how I really feel...
First, I have to start with my childhood (this is the long and boring part--but i gotta work through it). My family was not religious in anyway...at all. My Dad read me stories from a children's bible story book and until I was probably 9, I believed they were simply fascinating stories. We never went to church. If my parents ever talked to me about god or religion I do not remember. When my parents separated, my Mom and I moved to the desert and she was attending new agey rennaissance fairs when my Aunt, who we lived with for a little while, encouraged her to go to church. I should mention that by this time my Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She started going to church, but never made me go. I went a few times after I got jealous of all my Mom's new friends...yada yada yada the church community became a huge source of comfort and support for both my Mom and myself. We'd eat dinner with the pastor and his wife. They would hold special prayer services just for my Mom. My Mom and I were baptized together. In the wake of what felt like my entire silly little 10 going on 11 year-old life unraveling and imploding, the church and the idea of god and the afterlife helped me and I can't imagine how it helped my Mom. I hope it comforted her. This is one of the main reasons I've neglected to listen to myself on the matter. If you believe in god and are facing a life without your Mom, being baptized with her is really something. When my Mom was coughing up blood and couldn't take me trick or treating or had to spend weeks in the hospital and I was left alone at my Aunt's house, I had something to call out to for help. So, to turn my back on that as an adult felt almost like a betrayal to my Mom. I feel like it was good and has been bad for me to believe that my Mom is somewhere on the other side watching over me while I make mistakes and triumphs. More on that in a few.
Another huge issue for me, right now, is that 99% of my family consider themselves Christian. Of that 100%, 85% are devout which means I get the "Did you pray about it?" and the passage quotes at the end of every email. The biggest obstacle is telling my Dad. I love my Dad so much and I feel like I appreciate him more and more every day. He and I have great talks about everything...deep and shallow. Everything except religion and politics. I have shrugged off every piece of biblical advice for the last 10 years and I feel like the worst person for not being honest with my Dad. You have to understand though, upon telling my Dad that I am an atheist, I expect he will worry for his whole life for my soul as he envisions his daughter burning in hell for eternity. This kills me. How can I put my Dad through that? That's what has kept me from telling him.
The third and most growth-inspiring reason this has been hard for me to admit is because I have never trusted myself to know anything over someone else. I don't know why, but there it is. Prior to this decision, if someone would have countered my argument, I would sincerely believe that they knew better and I probably missed something. This is a common theme in my development as an adult and I wish to change it. No one has such a great perspective that they know more than me. I mean, yeah sure there are people that have studied and literally KNOW more than me, but we're talking about a belief. I have beliefs and though I wouldn't press them on anyone, I have just as much of a right to express them.
Oh yeah, and I'm a people-pleaser and no one wants to hear you're an atheist. No one where I'm from anyway.
What this means for me:
Admitting to myself that I don't believe there is a god has helped me in several ways. It sounds crazy, but I feel more at peace and free from the loss I've experienced than ever. Feeling like someone is watching you throughout your whole life is interesting. I used to write letters to my Mom about school and my Dad and my friends. I still have them. They are so sad. It's hard to read them and think of myself alone in my room communicating with my dead mother. It's a one-way conversation, let me tell you. It's hard to articulate, but when I realized that my Mom stopped existing when she died and wasn't in any pain or concern, I felt free. My Mom...she's so important to me and I'm deeply saddened still that she doesn't know me as an adult. I fantasize about going back in time so I could be friends with her in high school. I want to make clear how much she means to me and what a hole her death left me with. However, it may sound cold, but knowing that she's really gone is a relief. I don't imagine her up there thinking about my decisions or worrying about me...waiting for me. I feel like, for me, it was unhealthy to constantly be on the lookout for signs from her, hoping that she would communicate with me through birds or dreams or patterns in time. It makes her death less sad for me. It makes my life more meaningful. I can fully concentrate on what I'm doing and where I'm going. I'm not worried that I'm not spending enough time thinking about her. I'm free to move on when and how I naturally can.
I've had a tremendous feeling of renewal with all this. I see my life as this insane opportunity for exploration and meaning and excitement and joy. I'm not happy with how much I've settled in my life. I want the very best for myself. I want every experience. I want to live fully as a human being and see how capable I am. The drive to enjoy my life is in full force. I feel like I'm ready to stand up for myself and carve out my spot in the world (as small as it may be). I want to be kind, but respect myself at all times. It's strange to me that the idea of heaven made it okay for me to kind of just do whatever. It makes sense. I mean, if you think about your potential 80ish years on earth and compare that to a proposed eternity to have the best time and see everyone you've ever lost...who really cares what you do here. That's kind of how I looked at it. No longer though. I feel a strong drive to be good to my loved ones and to myself and I see how freedom is basically the most important element of the human existence. It's funny how much more motivated I am to stay out of jail now. Who knew being godless would inspire me to be a better person. haha. Not that I ever expect to be in jail for serious time, but these are the things I think about.
My fears:
I fear that when I do tell people they will conclude that this has something to do with one of two influences. First, and to me, the most hurtful is that Morgan would have something to do with my disbelief. The truth is we talk about this kind of stuff a lot and being able to openly talk about something like this really did help me to come to terms with it. However, I've been doubting the bible and god since the very first time I realized that the stories in that book were meant to be truth. I've told several people about my doubts and they usually push it aside like I do when they want to talk to me about god stuff. The second is that I may be jaded from all the loss I've experienced, feeling abandoned by god triggered a non-belief feeling. Every time I've faced the death of someone I love I've wanted to and been desperate to believe and reach out to god. I've never felt mad at god...most likely because I've never truly believed in god and therefor never felt betrayed or upset.
I've recently come to terms with my core beliefs and now I feel a responsibility to be honest with myself at all times and with anyone I respect. I am an atheist.
I can't tell you how strange or difficult my decision to be honest with myself and say those words--I'm an atheist--has been. At the same time, I feel so free from the oppression I've felt. In fact, I didn't realize how oppressed I was by religion and the fear of a god I could not feel or prove existed. Within the last year I've started to look at myself and what makes me happy...what doesn't make me happy, etc and have introspected so thoroughly. My realization has come in baby steps. At first I was able to say that I wasn't Christian, but did believe in god. Then, I was able to say that I didn't know what the real truth was and didn't think anyone really did. Then, I could say that I didn't believe in god...but never have I imagined I could assertively say that I am an atheist. There are reasons why I've felt so inhibited and afraid to explore how I really feel...
First, I have to start with my childhood (this is the long and boring part--but i gotta work through it). My family was not religious in anyway...at all. My Dad read me stories from a children's bible story book and until I was probably 9, I believed they were simply fascinating stories. We never went to church. If my parents ever talked to me about god or religion I do not remember. When my parents separated, my Mom and I moved to the desert and she was attending new agey rennaissance fairs when my Aunt, who we lived with for a little while, encouraged her to go to church. I should mention that by this time my Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She started going to church, but never made me go. I went a few times after I got jealous of all my Mom's new friends...yada yada yada the church community became a huge source of comfort and support for both my Mom and myself. We'd eat dinner with the pastor and his wife. They would hold special prayer services just for my Mom. My Mom and I were baptized together. In the wake of what felt like my entire silly little 10 going on 11 year-old life unraveling and imploding, the church and the idea of god and the afterlife helped me and I can't imagine how it helped my Mom. I hope it comforted her. This is one of the main reasons I've neglected to listen to myself on the matter. If you believe in god and are facing a life without your Mom, being baptized with her is really something. When my Mom was coughing up blood and couldn't take me trick or treating or had to spend weeks in the hospital and I was left alone at my Aunt's house, I had something to call out to for help. So, to turn my back on that as an adult felt almost like a betrayal to my Mom. I feel like it was good and has been bad for me to believe that my Mom is somewhere on the other side watching over me while I make mistakes and triumphs. More on that in a few.
Another huge issue for me, right now, is that 99% of my family consider themselves Christian. Of that 100%, 85% are devout which means I get the "Did you pray about it?" and the passage quotes at the end of every email. The biggest obstacle is telling my Dad. I love my Dad so much and I feel like I appreciate him more and more every day. He and I have great talks about everything...deep and shallow. Everything except religion and politics. I have shrugged off every piece of biblical advice for the last 10 years and I feel like the worst person for not being honest with my Dad. You have to understand though, upon telling my Dad that I am an atheist, I expect he will worry for his whole life for my soul as he envisions his daughter burning in hell for eternity. This kills me. How can I put my Dad through that? That's what has kept me from telling him.
The third and most growth-inspiring reason this has been hard for me to admit is because I have never trusted myself to know anything over someone else. I don't know why, but there it is. Prior to this decision, if someone would have countered my argument, I would sincerely believe that they knew better and I probably missed something. This is a common theme in my development as an adult and I wish to change it. No one has such a great perspective that they know more than me. I mean, yeah sure there are people that have studied and literally KNOW more than me, but we're talking about a belief. I have beliefs and though I wouldn't press them on anyone, I have just as much of a right to express them.
Oh yeah, and I'm a people-pleaser and no one wants to hear you're an atheist. No one where I'm from anyway.
What this means for me:
Admitting to myself that I don't believe there is a god has helped me in several ways. It sounds crazy, but I feel more at peace and free from the loss I've experienced than ever. Feeling like someone is watching you throughout your whole life is interesting. I used to write letters to my Mom about school and my Dad and my friends. I still have them. They are so sad. It's hard to read them and think of myself alone in my room communicating with my dead mother. It's a one-way conversation, let me tell you. It's hard to articulate, but when I realized that my Mom stopped existing when she died and wasn't in any pain or concern, I felt free. My Mom...she's so important to me and I'm deeply saddened still that she doesn't know me as an adult. I fantasize about going back in time so I could be friends with her in high school. I want to make clear how much she means to me and what a hole her death left me with. However, it may sound cold, but knowing that she's really gone is a relief. I don't imagine her up there thinking about my decisions or worrying about me...waiting for me. I feel like, for me, it was unhealthy to constantly be on the lookout for signs from her, hoping that she would communicate with me through birds or dreams or patterns in time. It makes her death less sad for me. It makes my life more meaningful. I can fully concentrate on what I'm doing and where I'm going. I'm not worried that I'm not spending enough time thinking about her. I'm free to move on when and how I naturally can.
I've had a tremendous feeling of renewal with all this. I see my life as this insane opportunity for exploration and meaning and excitement and joy. I'm not happy with how much I've settled in my life. I want the very best for myself. I want every experience. I want to live fully as a human being and see how capable I am. The drive to enjoy my life is in full force. I feel like I'm ready to stand up for myself and carve out my spot in the world (as small as it may be). I want to be kind, but respect myself at all times. It's strange to me that the idea of heaven made it okay for me to kind of just do whatever. It makes sense. I mean, if you think about your potential 80ish years on earth and compare that to a proposed eternity to have the best time and see everyone you've ever lost...who really cares what you do here. That's kind of how I looked at it. No longer though. I feel a strong drive to be good to my loved ones and to myself and I see how freedom is basically the most important element of the human existence. It's funny how much more motivated I am to stay out of jail now. Who knew being godless would inspire me to be a better person. haha. Not that I ever expect to be in jail for serious time, but these are the things I think about.
My fears:
I fear that when I do tell people they will conclude that this has something to do with one of two influences. First, and to me, the most hurtful is that Morgan would have something to do with my disbelief. The truth is we talk about this kind of stuff a lot and being able to openly talk about something like this really did help me to come to terms with it. However, I've been doubting the bible and god since the very first time I realized that the stories in that book were meant to be truth. I've told several people about my doubts and they usually push it aside like I do when they want to talk to me about god stuff. The second is that I may be jaded from all the loss I've experienced, feeling abandoned by god triggered a non-belief feeling. Every time I've faced the death of someone I love I've wanted to and been desperate to believe and reach out to god. I've never felt mad at god...most likely because I've never truly believed in god and therefor never felt betrayed or upset.
There is one last thing I want to talk about if you can believe it. Besides giving this a test-run before going to my family, I also feel a duty to be somewhat forthcoming about my beliefs for the sake of busting stereotypes. There was a girl in my high school history class who answered 'atheist' when asked what each of us believe...kinda hard to imagine that flying now. I remember thinking she was evil and that her parents were probably heathens. There is a definite stigma (like I said--in the world I grew up in) to atheism. I've never known anyone with a loving family that were openly atheist, for instance. It's always people that have been presented as devil worshipers, anarchists, trouble makers, soulless evil people. It sounds so ridiculous, but this is what I've grown up in. My good friend Alecia said something really enlightening (she has several times..almost every time I talk to her). She said it's a lot easier to live somewhere like San Francisco where things like being gay or supporting gay rights aren't as controversial as a lot of places in the US, but it may in fact be much more important to live with your beliefs in a place where the majority of the people are adverse to you or your beliefs. I've never tasted adversity to any serious extent and I don't pretend to be a progressive social anything. I'm just saying, there needs to be a better portrayal of all beliefs and lifestyle. So, I'm going to say it again. I'm an atheist. I'm creative. I'm loving. I can be a good influence on the right person. I don't believe in evil that doesn't originate within human beings. I don't believe in miracles. I don't believe in ghosts (that one was hard to give up because it's fun to be scared). I believe that when I die I will cease to exist. I believe in people and family and life. I will live my life for myself and my family. I want to be the best wife and daughter and sister and friend that I can. I hope to become closer to my family once they know this about me. I love them and I love you and I want to exist with you in honesty and without judgment.
Sincerely,
Megan
Sincerely,
Megan
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
sensory overload
as creatives, i know we are always looking for inspiration stimulation, which is why i'm really excited to share them thangs with you ladies. originally it started as a tumblr, but got so many hits because of its amazing content that to keep it running, the author had to either pay millions or shut it down... he shut it down for awhile to figure out an alternative. so anyway it's back in website form, raunch and cool still intact. please enjoy some of my favorite selections, and prepare to mark it as your favorite new site....
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Femmspiration!
I love the feeling of Ashley's femmspiration posts, so continuing on with that theme I'd like to offer up my female role models of today and yesteryear as well as the stories that helped to shape my personality! Yippyyyy grab a comfy seat...this is a long one.
Where to begin...
Obviously, the biggest impact on my self are my parents and family and the events that occupied my younger years...but I'd like to focus on my personality and spirit. The little voice in my head pushing me to get in trouble...that kinda stuff. I guess I'll start by noting my childhood influences. Ramona Quimby was a big force in my young life. I asked for my hair to be cut just like hers. The Never Ending Story and The Last Unicorn were weekend staples, but two movies in-particular really shaped my idea of what I wanted my life to look like as well as what I wanted my heart to feel like.
I'm not sure if the theme for these two movies were indicative of the time or a trend in movie-making, but I really felt them. I worshiped the lead characters. They were everything I wanted to be. Both of their stories take on adventuring and being alone...finding friends along the way and coming of age on the road. I've always fancied the idea that I can do anything on my own and that I don't need anyone's help. That's not the case, but if you've ever tried to teach me something or show me a better way, you've probably noticed that I still hang on to this idea.
It's strange to me now that there were a few good movies like these that featured young girls as MAIN characters who were very brave and capable and now...well there is Hanna Montana, which is fine and all, but from what I've seen it deals with fame and celebrity...which is WEIRD! It's weird to me that little girls aspire to be famous. I never ever thought about that. Anyway that's a post in itself... Without further ado my top two choices for female role models of my childhood:
#1
Natty Gann of Journey of Natty Gann
I loooved this movie. It's about a young girl during the depression who's father has to go for work and she is left with her nanny or a neighbor or something (because her mother died) who is nice to her, but she really wants to find her dad. So, of course, she runs away...befriends a wolf and then an older boy (John Cusak)...hops trains with said wolf...finds herself in dangerous situations (dog fighting events where she meets the wolf, hobo camps, etc) and basically makes her way across the country with this wolf and part of the way with this older boy. She defends her Dad's honor when some kids say he's a communist. Some folks find her wallet and think she's dead. Her Dad is heartbroken...they find each other in the end though. I LOVE this story. I wanted to do all of these things.
I was actually a hobo in my baton class and though I guess my Mom and I didn't know what a hobo looked like, I still loved it because I was closer to being such a bad-ass girl like Natty Gann.
#2
Senora Webster of Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken
Senora works so hard for her dreaaamsss!
UGH this movie...It's my depression lifter. I've possibly seen it more than Footloose because it makes me feel so good. I love this story and after my hobo phase, I delighted in the rough and gritty glamour that Senora embodied. Again, set during the Great Depression (based on a true story--side note--I tried to buy the book on ebay for $4 but the seller realized its value of around $400 and took it down) Senora's parents both died from some great sickness and she and her sister are left with their shitty Aunt. The Aunt is awful to her...basically no one gets her quirkyness. Whatever, we can all relate to that. So....she runs away and joins a traveling show! UGH I DIE. Seriously, if I could have painted a life for myself at age 12, this would be it. I mean wow. She was sweet and fun, but determined and ambitious. I loved Senora. I relate to this movie and that character like nothing else. I still quote her sometimes when I say, "heck noooo". I wanted to run away and lean out of the back of a wagon while peacefully enjoying the countryside. I think you may know the rest of the story. She weasels her way into employment with Dr. Carver and starts training to become a diving girl. She falls in love with his son Al and after a while ends up in Atlantic City (her dream). She has an accident on a dive, is rendered blind, learns to dive again against everyone's wishes..lives happily ever after. the end. I can't even tell you. I"ll just end there because I can go on and on.
So, looking back, I only ran away once with my dog which led to sitting in my Step-Mom's old Jaguar for 6 hours until I got bored. I only threatened to hop trains because I got too scared I'd get mugged. What can I say? I was too safe and too timid to carry out my childhood dreams. Plus, the hugest obstacle to me getting my wish and traveling through the countryside, guardian-less and free while discovering my talents...I LIKED my parents. So, naturally, I couldn't leave them. I still daydream about changing my identity and roaming the countryside taking up odd jobs to get by. Perhaps, joining some kind of traveling act and settling into my new talented family. Like I said though, I love my real family...I could never leave them.
That brings me to my adult female rold model:
Neko Case of Neko Case fame
She's got tons of great live performances, but this one is clean and smooth and you can hear all the wonderful sounds and voices that go into her songs. I feel like a 4th grader writing about Debbie Gibson with my "I love her because she's really neat" type comments, but I seriously love her and feel my heart getting tender when I listen to her.
She makes me feel lucky to be a lady. She doesn't need anyone...but she does a little. Plus, basically she's lived my dream life. I have to say here that the prior two role models and their lives have been romanticized heavily and I bet it's actually no picnic to run away and hop trains...I don't want to disrespect anyone that has actually lived that life. I won't go on and on about her and her life, but basically she ran away from what she felt were ill-equipped teenage parents and got into music, was in several bands and then went out on her own.
This is an excerpt from her bio on cmt.com
Alternative country singer/songwriter Neko Case won a steadily growing cult audience for her smoky, sophisticated vocals and the downcast beauty of her music. Born in Alexandria, VA, Case moved around often as a child, spending the largest part of her youth in Tacoma, WA. She left her parents at age 15, and three years later she started playing drums for several bands around the Northwest's punk rock scene. Case moved to Vancouver in 1994 to enter art school, and simultaneously joined the punk group Maow, which released a record on the Mint label. She also played with roots rockers the Weasles and eventually formed her own backing band, the Boyfriends, which initially featured alumni of the Softies, Zumpano, and Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet.
I feel like this part of the post lacks the awesomeness that Neko deserves, but I don't feel I can put it in words at this juncture.
Fellow Spinecrackers...what or who shaped you? Inquiring minds...
Where to begin...
Obviously, the biggest impact on my self are my parents and family and the events that occupied my younger years...but I'd like to focus on my personality and spirit. The little voice in my head pushing me to get in trouble...that kinda stuff. I guess I'll start by noting my childhood influences. Ramona Quimby was a big force in my young life. I asked for my hair to be cut just like hers. The Never Ending Story and The Last Unicorn were weekend staples, but two movies in-particular really shaped my idea of what I wanted my life to look like as well as what I wanted my heart to feel like.
I'm not sure if the theme for these two movies were indicative of the time or a trend in movie-making, but I really felt them. I worshiped the lead characters. They were everything I wanted to be. Both of their stories take on adventuring and being alone...finding friends along the way and coming of age on the road. I've always fancied the idea that I can do anything on my own and that I don't need anyone's help. That's not the case, but if you've ever tried to teach me something or show me a better way, you've probably noticed that I still hang on to this idea.
It's strange to me now that there were a few good movies like these that featured young girls as MAIN characters who were very brave and capable and now...well there is Hanna Montana, which is fine and all, but from what I've seen it deals with fame and celebrity...which is WEIRD! It's weird to me that little girls aspire to be famous. I never ever thought about that. Anyway that's a post in itself... Without further ado my top two choices for female role models of my childhood:
#1
Natty Gann of Journey of Natty Gann
I loooved this movie. It's about a young girl during the depression who's father has to go for work and she is left with her nanny or a neighbor or something (because her mother died) who is nice to her, but she really wants to find her dad. So, of course, she runs away...befriends a wolf and then an older boy (John Cusak)...hops trains with said wolf...finds herself in dangerous situations (dog fighting events where she meets the wolf, hobo camps, etc) and basically makes her way across the country with this wolf and part of the way with this older boy. She defends her Dad's honor when some kids say he's a communist. Some folks find her wallet and think she's dead. Her Dad is heartbroken...they find each other in the end though. I LOVE this story. I wanted to do all of these things.
I was actually a hobo in my baton class and though I guess my Mom and I didn't know what a hobo looked like, I still loved it because I was closer to being such a bad-ass girl like Natty Gann.
#2
Senora Webster of Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken
Senora works so hard for her dreaaamsss!
UGH this movie...It's my depression lifter. I've possibly seen it more than Footloose because it makes me feel so good. I love this story and after my hobo phase, I delighted in the rough and gritty glamour that Senora embodied. Again, set during the Great Depression (based on a true story--side note--I tried to buy the book on ebay for $4 but the seller realized its value of around $400 and took it down) Senora's parents both died from some great sickness and she and her sister are left with their shitty Aunt. The Aunt is awful to her...basically no one gets her quirkyness. Whatever, we can all relate to that. So....she runs away and joins a traveling show! UGH I DIE. Seriously, if I could have painted a life for myself at age 12, this would be it. I mean wow. She was sweet and fun, but determined and ambitious. I loved Senora. I relate to this movie and that character like nothing else. I still quote her sometimes when I say, "heck noooo". I wanted to run away and lean out of the back of a wagon while peacefully enjoying the countryside. I think you may know the rest of the story. She weasels her way into employment with Dr. Carver and starts training to become a diving girl. She falls in love with his son Al and after a while ends up in Atlantic City (her dream). She has an accident on a dive, is rendered blind, learns to dive again against everyone's wishes..lives happily ever after. the end. I can't even tell you. I"ll just end there because I can go on and on.
So, looking back, I only ran away once with my dog which led to sitting in my Step-Mom's old Jaguar for 6 hours until I got bored. I only threatened to hop trains because I got too scared I'd get mugged. What can I say? I was too safe and too timid to carry out my childhood dreams. Plus, the hugest obstacle to me getting my wish and traveling through the countryside, guardian-less and free while discovering my talents...I LIKED my parents. So, naturally, I couldn't leave them. I still daydream about changing my identity and roaming the countryside taking up odd jobs to get by. Perhaps, joining some kind of traveling act and settling into my new talented family. Like I said though, I love my real family...I could never leave them.
That brings me to my adult female rold model:
Neko Case of Neko Case fame
She's got tons of great live performances, but this one is clean and smooth and you can hear all the wonderful sounds and voices that go into her songs. I feel like a 4th grader writing about Debbie Gibson with my "I love her because she's really neat" type comments, but I seriously love her and feel my heart getting tender when I listen to her.
She makes me feel lucky to be a lady. She doesn't need anyone...but she does a little. Plus, basically she's lived my dream life. I have to say here that the prior two role models and their lives have been romanticized heavily and I bet it's actually no picnic to run away and hop trains...I don't want to disrespect anyone that has actually lived that life. I won't go on and on about her and her life, but basically she ran away from what she felt were ill-equipped teenage parents and got into music, was in several bands and then went out on her own.
This is an excerpt from her bio on cmt.com
Alternative country singer/songwriter Neko Case won a steadily growing cult audience for her smoky, sophisticated vocals and the downcast beauty of her music. Born in Alexandria, VA, Case moved around often as a child, spending the largest part of her youth in Tacoma, WA. She left her parents at age 15, and three years later she started playing drums for several bands around the Northwest's punk rock scene. Case moved to Vancouver in 1994 to enter art school, and simultaneously joined the punk group Maow, which released a record on the Mint label. She also played with roots rockers the Weasles and eventually formed her own backing band, the Boyfriends, which initially featured alumni of the Softies, Zumpano, and Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet.
I feel like this part of the post lacks the awesomeness that Neko deserves, but I don't feel I can put it in words at this juncture.
Fellow Spinecrackers...what or who shaped you? Inquiring minds...
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
if i were napoleon, you could be my josephine
ok, so i have this idea to have a mademoiselle/madame french party on february 20th to celebrate the end of an era with our current book, and cheersing to our new prospects. think gruyere, edith piaf, croissants, chocolate mousse, framboise, love poems, brie, eiffel tower, crepes, caricatures, love, stars, moonlight, creme brulee, francoise, etc.
My proposed ideas so far: make french food of your choice to bring, chose an alternate french name for yourself (antoinette, etinne, claudette, marvella, blanchefleur), dress in full french attire wearing blue, white, red (not to be confused with red, white, and blue), berets, moustaches, photo portraits, caricatures by sarah (or whoever else can draw). we can sit around and read love poems from napoleon to josephine, fiddle faddle around with my mini accordion, romantic guitar soloing with possible humming. and one of the most important things, which you can either choose to embrace or reject, is to bring some form of art that you want to share, like ANY form of art. wether it be knitting, photos, jewelry, drawings, short stories, collages, anything your oui oui heart can muster. i feel overwhelmed by how much talent each one of you ladies has to offer, and i would love to see what everyone could come up with. please share your feelings on the matter.
bonne nuit!
Monday, January 25, 2010
PSA: PERIOD SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Hello Crackers,I am feeling rather uninspired at the moment, but I don't want that to be misconstrued as disinterest in this fabulous blog! So I thought I would share a little website/tool that has made my menstruating life a million times more convenient! The website is called Mon.thly Info:
http://monthlyinfo.com/
It's so simple. Signing up takes about 20 seconds and believe me it's worth it! Every month when I start my period I log into mon.thly info and click that date on the calendar. The website tracks my cycle and then sends me emails!!! I get lovely period emails every month! I cannot even tell you how reassuring it is to be going apeshit and feeling like a crazy person and then get a sweet little email that says, "Just a friendly reminder from monthly info, your period is 2 days away!" Those emails are always followed by a big sigh, and an "Ohhhhh so that's why I'm eating cool whip from the container and sobbing watching project runway!!"
Also, any ladies interested in making a baby/trappin' yo man, you can sign up for ovulation reminder emails as well. So spread the word ladies!! Mon.thly Info is where it's at for women with working uteri! This website has changed my life and I hope it makes yours a little easier. Love you.
EDIT: 3:06
I've used this website for about 2 years now and so I have a good history/tracking built up, so I'm adding some screen shots so you can see the pay off of regular useage. Also, as Megan will attest to, you have to enter your period every month or else you will not get emails. They are a god send, but they are not uterus-readers.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
surprise ending
in a nod to both the objective of the spinecrackers, and the tone this blog seems to have acquired, i've been working on a post concerning a cemetery visit.anytime i drive through salinas and see the turn-off for the john steinbeck center, or john st. for that matter, my heart flutters. i have mom to thank, east of eden being handed off to me on a camping trip 6 years ago after she finished. i was looking for something to take my mind off dinner, as it was being prepared on the gas-stove (we do drive-in camping), so this was perfect. i nestled into my uncles warped hammock and dug in. and in and in and in... i couldn't believe when i finished! it was a slap in the face, the end of a turbulent, and yet so fulfilling, relationship. anytime i pick up a steinbeck, i gorge, forget to chew, and choke it down before i can savor the flavor, then its on to the next! the wayward bus added mystery to road-side cafes; travels with charley got me from san francisco to nashville, curious to observe everything in between. there are only so many more i can inhale, so i've allotted them to every five books or so.
shane, a fellow steinbeck enthusiast, and i decided to stop by and pay our respects, and brought paul along for educational purposes. though the general grave direction was marked with an arrow, i was shocked at how simple the graves was. the man who gave us grapes of wrath, i assumed, would have a huge marble headstone, with bust likeness, sprouting from carved flora, and a quote from one of his books, right? do they KNOW who he IS?
the cemetery was empty, so we helped ourselves to a few rubbings, in gratitude we left behind a 50cent piece and a rock with a heart drawn on. the lamb was on guard upon arrival. i hope to go back one day and leave a worthy charm, though i feel that the rubbing's careful placement in my kitchen makes up for it...
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