Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Love n' shit

Heylo ladies,

blah blah blah This American Life. Whatever! I gotta do it.

I just listened to a really nice episode (below) called Valentine's Day '98. I've been thinking a lot about love and death and separation lately. When I've had a really great time with Morgan I almost mourn it as it's leaving us. I keep thinking, 'these are the things I won't remember'. In our old age each of us will have a decent handful of memories of our experiences, but I'm greedy and I want all of them. A lot of what is going on right now we will not remember exactly or perhaps at all. I find myself getting sad about it! What a waste of time. Anyway, I'm trying to stay in the moment and live it, rather than getting sad.

I think that's why this episode really fell on my heart like a kid after jumping on a cal-king size bed. They focus on long-time loves. I won't bore you with all the details, but if you're up for it, have a listen. Oh! On a Spinecrackers note, I very much appreciate the writing in the first and last stories.

Warning: the last act is very descriptive, though quite beautifully, of the final stages of ones life as they battle cancer :( It's not like a boo hoo just for the sake of boo hooing story, but it is in there.

Gotta go,

PEE ESS will someone please get some of this hair or what?

I got this image from this blog by searching for "love n shit"


  1. Also, I hope I didn't get too personal. I usually only talk to Katman about these things.

  2. 1. There's no such thing as "too personal." No caveat there!

    2. I L-O-V-E, LOVE the peach/lavender combo hair on the middle left.

    3. I totally disregarded your disclaimer and to be sure, boohooed almost entirely through that TAL.

    3a. I loved in Act I when the man says "We'll do the work to give the children their parents as they think they are." It makes me think about how we perform different versions of ourselves all the time, usually for someone else's sake, which is really weird if you think about it - I'm me FOR you.

    3b. Act III was too goddamn sad, but also very beautiful. I particularly liked when he said "Ordinary days were best" because it was just so true. Looking back on my dad, it's not the times we went on trips or did "special" things that was the best. The best was just lying around his house, making BBQ and listening to him rant about shit. It's sort of ironic that we go through a lot of trouble to do "special" things in an effort to create memories when, in the end, those aren't even the things you hold close to your heart. The best memories, the things that are truly special, are unforced and effortless. The displays of people just being themselves (even if that's just a version of them they're performing for you). Anyway, I really enjoyed this one, even if it made me weep like a willow.

  3. your comments alone make me cry...

    Anyway, I haven't listened but I feel you Megan! I realllllllly want to get in the habit of writing in my journal (my gournal if you like wet hot american summer) before bed. I loved writing in those things as a kid, but these days with the internet in my face all I wanna do is surf the damn web all night long. Journaling is something that takes a little of your time, but what fun to read years later. When I read my old ones I'm like, "why the hell didn't I write ALL the time!" Crazy how the memories are so crystal clear when you read about them yet so hard to recall without a reminder. LAME brain! Also, I am trying to learn to live in the moment still and really appreciate the days I get with my loved ones.

  4. Tate- Thanks for taking the time to listen to it. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I know an hour is worth its time in gold.

    3a. I loved the same part! That really stuck with me. I liked that story mostly because he kept it real and I appreciate that. I hear so many romanticized stories of love, etc and it's misleading! It's good to know how much work can be required. It also helps form realistic expectations. It is strange how we put on different versions of ourselves. I don't know how to feel about that just yet.

    3b. You summed up what I was trying to say in my crude post above. It's the everyday bullshit that is most comforting and special. That's the stuff I'm afraid I won't remember. As if these days where we spend our time waiting for the next move will be encapsulated and driven out of my mind. I've been picturing myself as an old woman (should I be so lucky) remember these times and myself at this age (basically the intro to A League of Their Own). I try to imagine what I'll remember. Clearly I'm spending too much time on this concept. In a strange way it does make me appreciate now more because I realize it will pass and things will change for the better and for the worse before this whole dog and pony show is over. It puts it into perspective and shiiiit.

    Furthermore, on the subject of remembering people who we've lost. When I was younger I started losing memories of my mom and my stepmom suggested that I write everything I could remember about her in a journal and that helped me a bit. Of course, I don't know where it is now. I feel like I have 7 solid memories of her and then a bunch of blips. Anyway, if you haven't already, you may want to do the same. It's also interesting to go back and read them to see how your impression of the memory has changed. I read an essay I wrote about my Mom in the 7th grade not too long ago and it was weiiiiiird.

  5. Tianna-

    You are a genius! It seems obvious, but I need to write in a journal! You've inspired me! Let's make a journal pact. I'm in. haha.

  6. I agree that Tianna is a genius for her journal idear! I kept a LiveJournal (hides eyes) pretty regularly for about 5 years (age 15-20 about). Sometimes I read it again and am so embarrassed ("Sweatshop labor is evil!" then 2 paragraphs down, "bought some new shoes today!" No irony there). But mostly, I'm glad there's a record of my 17 year old self, even if I was a wiener.

    When I went back to Chicago just before my dad died, the first day was so intense and weird that the only way I could think to process it was to just spill out what was happening into a Word document. I think I only did that for one or two days, when things were slow and we all were just loitering around. I saved and closed it and haven't looked back at it since the day I wrote it, but I'm glad it exists.

    It's so weird to me to think that I'll lose memories of my pops, but I'll take your word, Megan, and start writing stuff down.

    As for forgetting the every day stuff, lemme ask you this: are the details important? It's not a sassy or rhetorical question, I'm seriously curious! Sometimes I get frustrated when I can't remember the words Hanna used to say funny as a baby (I only remember one: "moca-ma troll" for remote control), but I can still look back on her whole life with good feelings and love. I guess the consolation prize here is that even if you can't remember specifics, the impression that love leaves on your heart is something you can never forget. I sound like a Hallmark card, but I think it's true.

    That said, I LOVE you both!

  7. ahh LiveJournal! DUDES! we shoudl have LJ readings at our next SP meeting!!

    It's really wonderful that you were able to record that time as uncomfortable as it must have been. I like the idea that you can put everything you need into it and then pick it up later, should you desire, when you are far enough away from it to gain perspective on the situation.

    I thought that perhaps I lost a lot my memories because I had fewer since I was younger, but I recently talked to siblings of mine who were adults when our mom had to go and they said they wished they could remember more. I think in some way, it's easier to kind of let go of some of that. That's what one of my siblings said too. Sometimes in order to protect yourself, you let stuff go without really knowing that it's happening. It'd be nice though if I had written more and could go back now that it doesn't hurt me in the same way. That leads me to your sassy rhetorical question! jk jk jk

    It's hard to say. I mean, the same could be said for my mom's memory. I remember her as funny, comforting and warm. However, I have waves of wanting a little more. I want to remember how she looked when she got mad, what it was like to spend a whole day with her, her voice and most importantly, what it was like to be mothered by her. In case anyone hasn't noticed I HATE BEING MOTHERED and it's for this reason. Anyway, I may have veered to the left here. I think when 20 years goes by some of the details do matter if not only to have a broader library of a person's memory. However, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about the details now. If they pop into my memory, then I'm happy for it. As it goes, you can never have enough of someone once they are gone. That's why I over-think the day-to-day stuff. 'I gotta remember this in case anything happens.' It's like I'm getting another chance to cherish someone and I don't want to f it up (the way I did when I was eleven jk jk). blah blah blah. Sorry to go on and on till the break of dawn. I'm a grown-ass woman and am still working all this out.

    I LOVE you both too!

  8. I've been toying with the idea of cotton candy pink tips. might just do it. I'm hella bored.

    Can't wait to hear this episode!
    love you ladies.

  9. PS I have some VERY embarrassing/cringe inducing LJ entries from when I was 15 and very angsty. I'll gladly share with my ladybirds.

  10. Angsty entries! Angsty entries! Angsty entries!

    p.s. please oh please two blond friends: go pastel! I'm dying over here with my tone range at serious to light serious.

  11. I'm gonna colour my ends in purple! I will show you in a few weeks!