Wednesday, January 19, 2011

"youth is wasted on the youth"

I guess you could say life is an adventure, but I disagree when I'm surrounding myself with food and laying in bed at 2pm to watch a movie I've seen 789 times. In my daydreams, I'm packing up Cameron, quitting our jobs and setting sail on the open road with no destination in sight. Yes, this is my 30th birthday year in case I haven't complained enough about it. And to be perfectly honest, I'm kinda freakin. My uneasiness lies in's flyin the fuck past me and I can't live in the moment. I'm constantly looking towards the future and what it will be like and the things I need to do to prepare for it and yadayadayada, well this is my god damn future right now that I seem to be so preoccupied with.
I need to take a break from my uptight, annoyingly practical, guilt ridden, moody demeanor and throw all of my neuroses out the literal, yet figurative, window to see the person I can be without those things. Whether or not this changes me, I'll know that at least I tried and explored and let go and that has to mean something, to me that is. I want to force myself to tough it out in the middle of nowhere. I get paranoid and whiny and all I can think about is the luxuries of taking a bath and eating a snickers from a mini bar. I've never even been camping and I'd like to blame my parents for this, but I have too many fun memories in hotel rooms to be troubled by it. and ya know what? on a side note, blaming your parents for your problems is for suckers. Your parents are just people too and it's not my mom's fault that I never tasted a pear for the first 25 years of my life. She never liked pears, so she never had them in the house, big whoop. I'm an adult now and I can eat a pear whenever I feel like it (which is never because I tasted one and blaaaaahg they're gross). Point being, I just need to learn what my 30s are going to be all about and not live them like I'm in my 20s.

Things I need for a road trip that would make me feel enlightened:
1. Cameron. Honestly, I'd like to see what we're both capable of.
2. bali shag (I'm thinking about investing in a pipe)
3. Oscar Wilde books. I've been diggin the shit outta him lately. I always knew I would like him once I got around to reading his stuff, but I had no idea how we'd actually fall deeply in love
4. illuminating road trip music that makes me feel smart, like Joanna Newsom, Edith Piaf, or Hank Williams Sr.
5. cameras of all sorts. polaroid cameras, film cameras, digital cameras, toy cameras, video cameras
6. my ukulele and a harmonica for Cameron. possible scenario: sitting by a riverbed playing some Leadbelly
7. one of those beautiful handkerchiefs that women used to tie around their hair/head to ride in a convertible (this should be #1 on my list)

I think I'm in-between stages right now.
"The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything." -Oscar Wilde

Thoughts on turning 30? Road trips? Music that makes you feel smart?


  1. Thoughts on turning 30: I still have a few years for this, but I feel the time flying by just as all y'all do. I guess I want my life to mean something outside of the home life and the clock is ticking. What I'm saying is I want to make a goddam name for myself! I want to finish a little bit of school, open a business, and become an actress. Is that too much to ask?? Oh and I would love to volunteer my time like I used to so much in high school. I'm not so much concerned about my actual age, but how much time is left to do the things I want to do.

    Road Trips: I want to pack up my dear husband and kids and drive to South Carolina for the Summer. We would stop at the Grand Canyon, my mom's hometown of El Paso, and New Orleans to name a few. We would stay in cheap motels along the way or sleep in the car. Better yet, we would do it all in a motorhome. As far as camping goes, I would rather rent a cabin on the lake every Summer starting next year. I'm doin it. Another thing I am itching to do is move to another country for one year. Sublet our apartment and get a job teaching English in say France or Spain. I would love to rent a house in the French countryside more than anything.

    Music that makes me feel smart: I feel smart listening to classical 102.1. What doesn't make me feel smart is that I couldn't tell you the composer for the life of me.

  2. P.S. I enjoyed your post very much

  3. TIANNA you never fail to make me LOLZ
    I think you should add stand up mom comedian to your list of life goals.

  4. As a mom who will inevitably be blamed for a whole bunch of shit (if not by Hanna herself, then by outside turd parties), I wholeheartedly agree with your "blaming parents is lame" point.

    And I also daydream about roadtrips. I'm about 10 years behind on the SXSW trend, but I entertained the notion of an Austin road trip until I saw it takes 24 hours to get there (what? Texas isn't that far, is it?). These days I'd really like to go to Wyoming, the Dakotas, Tennessee (Dollywood/Blue Ridge Mountains), and N'awlins. Country is my favorite driving music because you can sing/harmonize along with it.

    I don't have much to say about turning 30 yet because (like Tianna) I still have a few years. But at the moment I'm hoping that getting older will help me realize how short life is and compel me to be more assertive and outgoing with what I want.

    Also, sorry for recommending pears on the last post - you seem like the type who would like pears!

  5. So much to doso much to see, so what's wrong with taking the back streets?


    I know I've said it a brazillion times, but 30+ is officially my most favorite time as far as relationship with self and all that. I understand why it's scary though and respect your fears. However, I feel like less and less of a dipshit in the grand scheme of things as I get older, which makes me happy. I know I'm not sooo far ahead of you guys, but since 30 is perceived as the line in the sand where the first sector of your youth turns to dust, I felt obligated to tell you what I've noticed in my 31st year. I feel generally happier than I did in my 20s. I give a fuck a whole lot less. I am more comfortable with myself and my opinions. I now know how to have fun. I dig my body the most right now than ever before in my whole life.

    All I'm saying is that I think you may be pleasantly surprised! And I hope so.

    Also, I love road trips and wish they could work themselves into a paying job. All I need is some beef jerkey, dark chocolate, a few veggies and coffee.

  7. Tianna,

    I want you to become an actress! I was just thinking about how many dreams I have and how if one keeps coming up over and over through the years, it must have potential to make me happy. I think acting is your dream that pops up a lot! What about a local production of something? I'd drive miles to see you in something! Can I visit you guys in your French countryside place or what?

    Tate, you're a badass mom and if anyone tries to blame shit on you I WILL AVENGE YOUR NAME. I'm kidding but I'm not kidding.

  8. Coming back to this post because Megan's reply made me think of something else...

    Something that freaked/freaks me out is the feeling that the world that was my oyster is closing and I gotta figure out what pearl I wanna snatch out of it before it snaps shut. In other words, being a veterinarian, famous singer, or the President (all professions I desired as a child), AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN AT THIS POINT! But just because you can't or won't do something full-time, doesn't mean you can't do it.

    Something age has given me is a real sense of intrinsic reward instead of the BS extrinsic award. In other words, my early 20s were totally consumed by what other people thought of me. As I move closer to 30, I'm saying "Fuck it - what do I think of myself?!" And I think I'm - in the words of Miley Cyrus - "pretty cool." The world may not know me as a vet, a singer, and the President, but I sing every day, get uncomfortably close to dogs and built my own little empire at home.

    It's not a contest, we're NOT that old, and we've all done some really cool shit. So let's give ourselves some credit where credit is due!

    Ashley - I say set a date and just GO on that road trip. Tianna - take an acting class at Berkeley City College! Release your inhibitions! Feel the rain on yourrrr skinnn!!!